We should be Luddites

About a week ago our television (yes, the big expensive one. not the little one with the VCR that cost almost nothing and we've had forever) started making an odd noise. It was a slight hum at first and then...

BAM!

It's a loud, raging, angry TV noise that forces me to shut it off and run with the children, screaming for Dean to do something.

Like any modern woman, I Google "Samsung DLP TV making loud noise" and after reading one or two blogs, I diagnose our problem as the color wheel.

I love Google. Chances are that someone somewhere has had the exact same problem as you -- only they have blogged about it or, even better, posted 5 instructional videos to YouTube about it.

We've replaced the lamp in the TV and that was a few-minute job. It was great. So we were feeling pretty cocky. We've got instructions. We've got videos. We can do this! We order the part and wait for its arrival...

Do we read the instructions? Do we watch the videos? No. We just assume it will be like the lamp ...

The part arrived last night so we print out the instructions and hit the bookmarked YouTube. Sure, it's almost 10 p.m., but how long could this take?

Uh. The instructions are 17 pages. Slight sinking feeling.

FIVE videos? Really? Sinking lower.

This might take a bit longer than the lamp.

Dean starts following the videos. 14 screws to take off the back of the TV. Done.

Casings and frames and ribbon connector wires. Don't touch anything that looks like it MIGHT have to do with your screen picture. Done.

Slowly, but surely we follow the instructions step-by-step-by-step. We've started reading the comments on the instruction blog. We might have to remove a jumper... No idea what a jumper is, but we can Google that later. We might have the blue and red cables mixed up. It seems a lot of folks did that. Apparently, there's also a large contingent that didn't have sound after this procedure...

The sinking feeling has not left, but by now we are knee-deep in expensive TV parts, cables and a color wheel that looks oh-so-very fragile.

By midnight, we could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but was it a TV picture in high definition or just a well-lit blank screen?

Once everything was back together, we had to figure out the wires that go from the Wii to the TV, and the DVD player to the TV, and the satellite to the TV and some other wires we aren't sure where they are from but they are on the TV now...

The moment of truth....

HIGH DEFINITION TV!!! Victory!

Amazingly, we are still alive

Please note: My husband is out of town. Something weird has to happen. It always does.

Yesterday, I was blowing dry my hair when the hairdryer made a popping noise.

I looked at it and sparks were shooting out of it. Not a good sign.

I dropped it on the floor. I was downstairs so it was on tile, not the linoleum we have upstairs). Then flames started coming out. The signs are not getting better.

Don't you hate those moments where YOU are the adult and you better think of something fast or we are all going up in flames and this is gonna be a tough one to explain when Dean gets home to what remains of our home...

I unplugged it and the flames when away. Clearly I'm a firefighter at heart.

It was pretty exciting. The cord burned all the way through. The room filled with smoke.

And now I'm pretty sure Jack will NEVER let me blow dry his hair again.

Later, Jack and I get home from school and we hear this noise. A non-stop beep like an alarm but a mini-alarm.

We look out back. We listen out front. Nothing. Where is the noise coming from?

Not from the toy baskets. Not from the closet of toys...

We narrow it down to the garage. I'm trying to figure out what alarm thing we have? I know smoke detectors (see earlier part of the story) and this isn't a smoke alarm sound.

The sound appears to be coming from the garage door control screwed to the wall. I try pulling the wires. Nothing (I'll be thankful for that later).

I push on buttons. Noise is still going.

I try to yank the wires out again to get it to stop. The wires don't budge (thank you again).

I unscrew the thing from the wall (after searching for a screw driver. Dean, please put away your tools.). Once I have it off the wall, I realize that is not what is making noise. I'm grateful that I was not successful at pulling the wires out. Dean only has to put it back on the wall.

Great. What the heck is it?! I'm more than a little worried by now. It must be carbon dioxide and there's an alarm built into the walls that I don't even know about. Or maybe it's another kind of airborne poison and the house is warning us...

It seems to be in the rack of tools, dusters and various other contraptions that sits next to the garage door controls.

I start ravaging that rack. Thing after thing after thing. Do we really need THREE swifter dusters?

I think some of these vacuum attachments are to vacuums we haven't owned in years. There are several things I can't identify.

What could the sound be and how long before we die or something blows up?!

Ah.... I find it!

The culprit is a BBQ fork someone gave us years ago that measures the done-ness of your BBQ-ed meat. The battery is getting low and it wanted to let us know... with a continuous beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep that encourages high blood pressure.

I'm just gonna lie down until Dean gets home.

Call me Steven Spielberg

I made a movie today. That's what happens when you upgrade your Mac and actually take a workshop so you know how to use the software.

I'm crazy like that.

See when I first got my Mac, I played and played and hobbled my way through the programs. Macs are pretty easy and you can sort of figure it out.

But it seemed each time I made a slideshow or a dvd, I did it a slightly different way. I was just guessing each time.

So I signed up for a class -- which was yesterday. Today I made a movie of Neil's t-ball experience last spring. I even made myself cry. He is awfully cute and awfully little. And now he is the star of his own movie.

It's amazing what a little bit of information will do for you. 

I'm a virtual superstar!

We have a Wii and the boys love playing baseball. It's become a family bonding experience. Sure, we all play together. I've been known to bowl a mean game.

But I'm really talking about our avatars. There's Mom and Dad. There's the grandparents (Marna and Pa). There's the uncles. There's the fake hideous relative named George.

And we all end up on a baseball team whether we are really playing or not. It's computer-generated quality time.

My dad can't play baseball in real life (he uses a walker), but his avatar's been known to hit a home run on Wii baseball. 

I'll hear the shouts: "Go Pa! Go Pa!" It's as if Pa had really saved the game. They cheer and applaud him as if he were in the house.

Same goes for Marna (my mom):

"Marna's up!" 

"She's good!"

I've been scarred by the years of parks league softball my dad made me play, and a truly bad season of intramural softball in college (there was a lot of beer, so truly it wasn't that bad). I'm not a big baseball fan.

But on the Wii, my boys actually want me on their team. It's changing my whole attitude toward sports (just the attitude, not actually participating in them)... I could be a superstar!

It's all clear now

I feel I have fallen into the HD trap (carefully crafted no doubt by my husband)...

My husband was an early laser disc dork in the day. Something about the quality of picture, etc.

"Can't you see the difference? It's amazing."

"Sure. Yeah. Got that."

Over the years we've upgraded DVDs, DVD players, cable and televisions all in search of this elusive, amazing picture quality.

The television we own was carefully researched and purchase (without the wife's knowledge of cost. My brother went with Dean and my brother wouldn't even tell me).

It hasn't really mattered to me. A couple pixels here or there. Whatever.

So the other night I start watching the Daily Show. The picture is fuzzy and soft. The colors aren't clear or crisp. I start whining because we all know our recent family history with technology. It's been well documented here.

"It's not even in focus! What's with DirecTV?!" I complain, ready to dial the memorized number.

And that's when my husband finally, finally got his payoff: "That's because you aren't watching it in HD."

"What?!"

"HD. Try the HD channel."

And sure enough... It was like putting on a new pair of glasses. The colors, the quality, the amazing picture, and the oh, so smug husband. I see Blu Ray on our horizon.

Skank487

I've been telling the Skank487 story lately so I thought I would share it here (My apologies if you have or have had the IM moniker of Skank487):

When we go away one of my brothers will stay at the house and take care of the dogs. Well, years ago my youngest brother watched the house and the dog. He was 21 or 22 at the time. He used my husband's work laptop to surf the internet. We won't discuss what he may have looked at or whatever he did online, but we do know he installed some instant messaging software that we were NEVER able to fully destroy.

You know where this is going, don't you? Yeah. Poor husband. He didn't see it coming. He is standing in front of a large group of higher-ups at Washington Mutual. His laptop screen is shown on a giant video screen so everyone can see. Other higher-ups who couldn't make it where connected online.

There's my husband pitching the e-bidding process he has been working on for the company when up pops a little window: Skank487 says "Want to play?"

Yeah.

My Eagle Scout husband was mortified. It took him a few minutes to figure out how to get that off the screen. There were more than a few snickers. Even more snickers when he threw out there, "My brother in law used my computer this weekend." Yeah, right, buddy...

Technology Gods are smiling

It's like the sun is shining on our humble home. Dare I say it out loud? We have working technology in all areas... Yeah, me! In fact, it's all working better than before. The TV is brighter, better, more HD. The new remote works better than the old one. It does everything a remote should do (a little lacking in the Mojito making, but perhaps someday technology will catch up). We don't even have to use the old Time Warner remote when we want to watch a DVD (which we did after the "professional" 5 1/2 hour DirecTV set up). I believe a pool is in order. We are taking bets on how long this will last. 

A light at the end of the tunnel

The most amazing package arrived on our doorstep just now. It's the new lamp for the television. The boys are at Pa's house. Do I dare "fix" the TV on my own? Will it be a lovely surprise for Dean? Or will it be a big, big, big mistake?

I could be watching Michael Phelps win his 18th or so gold medal in no time!

Really?!

The summer of technology continues. We had a few peaceful, blissful days, but then ...

When we returned from camping, we discovered a gnarled mass on the living room floor. What was it? Ahhhhh, the remote. Great.

Did you know a new remote from DirecTV is only $15, plus $1.25 in taxes. They won't overnight it and add the charges to your bill... 

Then we found swim trunks chewed on, a blue crayon that had seen better days, some chunks of who-knows-what and various other evidence that my brother, the dog sitter, had been seriously asleep on the job. I believe the cognac bottle in the freezer might be evidence against him.

But that all pales in comparison to turning on the TV (manually of course. Who knew you could still do that?!).... and NOTHING. NADA. ZIP.

The lamp on the TV blew. Exploded by the looks of it when we pulled it out... That's a bit more than the remote. And we'll be doing the repairs ourselves. Can you tell where this is going? We can't. We are actually going to give this a go. I'll let you know when we end up TV shopping.

21st Century Home

We have phone service! Somebody call me! I feel I should add a counter to this blog that keeps track of how many days we have working technology all at once. You know, "This house has had a working phone, computer and television for _____ days." Yeah, that would bring in the readers!

Jiggle the handle, will ya?

My friend Sandy has the best description of my technology woes:

"I picture you in the black hole of technology and every time you crawl your way up to the rim, barely hanging on you get flushed back to the bottom."

Pretty much sums it up.

Always waiting

So our digital phone has been out since the quake yesterday. I'm presently on hold with Time Warner. It's been more than a half hour.

Two things I "love" about the experience:

1. As you work your way through their automated system you get a recorded message, "We are currently experiencing longer than normal wait times. We recommend you call back at a better time." Are they serious? Is this customer service?

2. When you finally get a human, they answer: "This is Ginger. How can I make this a wonderful day?" Well, Ginger, if I hadn't spent the last half hour on hold and if I had a working phone, that would be a start toward "wonderful."

So Ginger goes through the dozen prompts she's been trained to try.

"We show your modem working."

"Yes, but I still don't have a working phone."

"I'll have to transfer you to the third-tier."

Third-tier sounds dangerous. I'm imagining third tier is where water boarding happens.

More than 5 hours to install TV? Really?

The DirecTV guy left at 9:16 p.m. I was fighting a cold all day yesterday (I lost. It's worse today.) and I couldn't wait for him to leave. We are reserving judgment on the TV, but the picture is nice and it's all working. Yahoo!

Fate, please be kind

DirecTV guy has been here more than three hours. I'm starting to get worried.

Tempting fate

So we have had TV for 11 days and we have to mess with it... That's just the way we roll.

In a fit the day after the second time Time Warner stood us up, we called DirecTV. We were very happy with them before. TW was just so much cheaper. Well, it was cheaper because there were less channels, the DVR function was weak (every now and again all our shows would just disappear and the cataloging was stupid), and you know the rest of the story.

Well, DirecTV is installing the new HD disk and DVR as I type. Is it a mistake? Will the last 11 days of working TV, phone AND computer be just a dream that we wish we hadn't woke up from? Will the dogs eat the dish? Stay tuned.

How long will it last?

It's Monday. We still have cable TV, phone service and internet access. Just in case you were keeping track. I'm thinking about adding a counter to this blog -- "5 days with access to basic household technology!"

The Summer of Time Warner

This summer is turning out to be the summer of waiting for Time Warner service people. Let me start by saying every service person who has come to my door has been very professional, very nice and not in the least bit condescending about the dogs and their ability to destroy the phone wires.

And the last gentleman was great. He actually MOVED the wire so the dogs couldn't get it -- a crazy idea, crazy brilliant! Unfortunately this same man also forgot to install the cable wire he was moving with that phone wire. So we haven't had cable since July 3.

Those of you with children understand my pain. Those of you with "Pokemon" and "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody" stored on your DVR will really understand my pain. My head will soon explode from those two theme songs. It's the only television we have had available for almost a week. I am willing to memorize the church hymns my grandma used to hum all day to make the pain go away.

We are waiting for the Time Warner serviceman again today -- from 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. This will be the third day this week.

First was Sunday. Yes, Sunday. I was surprised too. I even asked the scheduler if he was sure, and then if he was double sure. He was double sure. But depending on who you talk to at any given time at the Time Warner service center, they do or do not make appointments on Sunday. Since I had an appointment this past Sunday (and a repair service order number. It was very official.), but no one showed up to repair the cable, I believe they make appointments but don't actually keep them. It's an innovative choice in customer service.

When we called on Sunday afternoon because no one showed ("Oh, we never make Sunday appointments."), we got an appointment on Tuesday -- from 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. I called Tuesday morning to make sure they were coming and that they had my home number and my mobile number (They say the ALWAYS call before appointments, but so far they have NEVER called before an appointment. And I've had a lot of appointments -- I think we are up to 9 or 10 now -- so I consider just our house its own legitimate customer service testing sample.). I told them I would be gone for about an hour (Jack has swimmer's ear so bad we had to go to the pediatrician.), but I have a neighbor who will come over, let them in and stay while they are here. "That's fine. No problem. They will call."

Needless to say, we still don't have cable. I called again when it was 4 p.m. and they hadn't shown yet only to find the appointment cancelled ("So Sorry. We always call. We make appointments on Sunday. We have a pact with the devil to drive you insane....").

And did I mention that the Time Warner internet connection only works in the morning after I reboot the modem two times and only if my sign is in the house of technology? My favorite was my complaint e-mail that I sent using their form on the TW website (yes, I did go to the Time Warner Cable Southern California part), it bounced back as undeliverable.

It sort of sums up the whole Time Warner product promise -- undeliverable.

So here we are waiting for the TW service person again. I'm sure they will come between 1 p.m. and 5 p.m.

Just because photos

Here's Neil's Underwater photo from the grad luau. He is such an amazing swimmer. Like a fish and like his Uncle Skip was when he was little.

Jack and his teacher's son tried out the underwater feature on my camera. Yahoo! It worked AND the camera is still working. Can you tell the pool Jack was in was in the shade by the time they tried the camera? Both pools were salt-water.

Neil, I am your mother

Neil and I have had a number of light saber fights this morning. I've lost several limbs so pardon me if I have typos. I'm doing this with my teeth. 

First Neil wanted to use my ipod. He wanted to wear it while we had a light saber battle. "Like in the movies Mom." Neil wants his life with a soundtrack.

But then he was disappointed that I didn't have the Star Wars tracks on it.

Once he got over that letdown, he decided we had to be on stick horses with our light sabers. He tried to make me change my clothes because I didn't look like a storm trooper. I had to draw the line somewhere today.

Neil will never be Steven Spielberg because his mother wouldn't take costuming advice.

On a (blog) roll

How many blogs are too many? I joined Live Journal to visit and keep up to date with my friend Nancy (Hi Nancy. I'm talking about you). Nancy has her Live Journal blog, fan fiction blogs, scrapbooking design blogs, personal blogs, Facebook pages, karate blogs, cat blogs (OK. I made up the cat blog. But she might. She's smart enough to keep that kind of thing from me.)

I have to admit. I'm toying with the idea of a photo blog. And wouldn't an anonymous blog be better so I can tell the really, really good stories that everyone has but you can't tell because the relative involved reads this or the person at school might see this? (Makes you want to call me and get the scoop, doesn't it?)

Of course, blogging is more work than it looks, and I need some quality time in front of the TV looking for blog ideas. Eating popsicles and doing research.

My husband might wonder why I don't get a job...